by Deniss Pleiner, M.A.
If you worry that your (potential) partner may be lying or might leave you, this one is for you.
Your anxious attachment style will make it difficult for you to trust that people wont leave you or betray you which makes you hypervigilant to any small hint that they might. But trust is essential to love and relationships so here are a few things to remember:
1. Remember you can learn to feel secure: Your current anxious attachment style is your first template-- initially formed by the quality of your relationship with your parents. This doesn't mean you cant learn to build a more secure attachment.
2. Start by giving them the benefit of the doubt: Your anxious attachment style will triggers fears that they are lying or will leave. Start by giving them the benefit of the doubt and ask yourself what behaviors you have seen that support the fear. Don't jump to conclusions but do communicate your concerns.
3. Look for your underlying need: When you start to feel anxious and/or have anxious thoughts ("are they lying?" "will they leave me?" etc.) ask yourself what you actually need in that moment. How can you feel reassured or secure?
4. Learn to self-soothe: Practice challenging those negative or intrusive thoughts. They are often rooted in past wounds but may not be truthful in this moment. Then, take care of your nervous system by doing something calming and meeting your underlying need.
5. Ask for the things you need: You are, after all, looking for a partnership. So ask for reassurance from them: from a reassuring text or word to physical affection.
The point of dating is to find someone who can give you all you are offering too: love, respect, support, admiration, etc. So don't be afraid to ask for that. Now, being able to accept yourself for who you are (knowing you may need more reassurance that your partner does) requires some internal work. And learning how to set boundaries and use assertive communication skills to do so also takes some learning. So if you would like some support in these areas, schedule a free consultation with us to get started.*
*services available in California only.
Deniss Pleiner, M.A. is the founder and Clinical Director of TOC Therapy-- a group
practice in California tailored to meet the mental
health needs of BIPOC adults through
online individual and couple's therapy. As Clinical Director, Deniss guides the clinical development of TOC Therapy Associates and oversees clinical services and offerings. Deniss also works as a Mental Health Advocate, hosting workshops for organizations interested in supporting their
member's mental health and developing emotionally intelligent leadership.